WEREWOLVES CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT!
As I lay in bed, staring out the window at the full moon, I pondered what I could use to fight off werewolves.
There’s not much silver about the “silver”-ware. I doubt that any of what little jewelry I have is silver. In fact, I’m hard pressed to identify anything in the place that is certifiably silver.
In the old days you could pelt the hairy beasties with quarters and nickels. If you were really good at flickin’ coin, you might break hide or penetrate an eye (”Don’t do that or you’ll put someone’s eye out!” That’s the idea, Mom.), then sit back and roast s’mores while wolfie combusted from the inside out right before your eyes. (Boy, I miss Assembly of God summer camp.)
But the government stopped putting silver in coins. Then it struck me: our government is in the pocket of werewolves! WEREWOLVES CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT!
Anyone who’s seen the fine documentary Werewolf of London knows that Asia has an abundance of werewolves, owing to a rare Tibetan flower that is the only known werewolf cure. Werewolves flood in, hoping to acquire the flower, but only succeed in making lots of silver-sensitive, hairball puking Asians.
What’s less well known is that the Communists captured may of these lycanthropes and converted them to their cause. (Richard Condon’s novel was originally called The Manchurian Wolf. Publishers felt it wasn’t “realistic” enough and demanded a full rewrite. If they only knew.)
As Lyndon Johnson escalated the war in Vietnam, these most hirsute of commie agents infiltrated America under cover of moonless night. One eventually attacked the president. The secret service killed this monster, but not before she bit our commander-in-chief. (Perhaps you’ve heard of Wolf-Baines?)
Due to Johnson’s efforts, werewolfism spread throughout the Democratic Party faster than Marilyn Monroe at the Kennedy Compound. (Speaking of Kennedys, Teddy wanted to pull Mary Jo Kopechne out of that pond, but you know how much cats hate water. He thought this was brilliant till someone pulled him aside and pointed out that werewolves are technically dogs not cats.) With half the nation’s politicians developing a rapidly worsening silver allergy, a bill was easily passed to eliminate silver from most common coinage.
Capitol vending machines saw a dramatic rise in profits. The “Great Society” (for werewolves) had begun.
The removal of silver from circulating coinage was completed in 1970, shortly after Richard Nixon remarked how hairy a Chinese negotiator’s palms were. With a wink and a sly smile he insinuated the negotiator must be an unmarried man. As the negotiator lunged for Nixon, canine teeth bared, Nixon gasped, “You may swing that way, but I certainly do not!” Moments later, he did. (This exchange can clearly be heard on tapes available at the Nixon Presidential Library in Yorba Linda, CA, though few recognize the exchange’s true significance.)
(As an aside, Nixon would have negotiated anything away to the Chinese just to get him near Tibet and his sweaty hands on that flower. He, however, betrayed his friends and allies by refusing to share. Haldeman, Dean, and others were especially incensed. Watergate soon followed. G. Gordon Liddy is not a werewolf. He’s just surly.)
With the Republican Party firmly in their hairy grasp, the removal of silver from American coinage was inevitable. (A small amount was still permitted to be minted “for collectors,” just to keep the public at large off the scent.) Subsequently, silver is far less common in American households today than at any other time in our history, leaving us virtually defenseless from lycanthropic attack.
And that’s how werewolves took over our government.
Posted: February 13th, 2010 under Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Politics, Satire.
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