As I lay in bed, staring out the window at the full moon, I pondered what I could use to fight off werewolves.

There’s not much silver about the “silver”-ware. I doubt that any of what little jewelry I have is silver. In fact, I’m hard pressed to identify anything in the place that is certifiably silver.

In the old days you could pelt the hairy beasties with quarters and nickels. If you were really good at flickin’ coin, you might break hide or penetrate an eye (”Don’t do that or you’ll put someone’s eye out!” That’s the idea, Mom.), then sit back and roast s’mores while wolfie combusted from the inside out right before your eyes. (Boy, I miss Assembly of God summer camp.)

But the government stopped putting silver in coins. Then it struck me: our government is in the pocket of werewolves! WEREWOLVES CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT!

Anyone who’s seen the fine documentary Werewolf of London knows that Asia has an abundance of werewolves, owing to a rare Tibetan flower that is the only known werewolf cure. Werewolves flood in, hoping to acquire the flower, but only succeed in making lots of silver-sensitive, hairball puking Asians.

What’s less well known is that the Communists captured may of these lycanthropes and converted them to their cause. (Richard Condon’s novel was originally called The Manchurian Wolf. Publishers felt it wasn’t “realistic” enough and demanded a full rewrite. If they only knew.)

As Lyndon Johnson escalated the war in Vietnam, these most hirsute of commie agents infiltrated America under cover of moonless night. One eventually attacked the president. The secret service killed this monster, but not before she bit our commander-in-chief. (Perhaps you’ve heard of Wolf-Baines?)

Due to Johnson’s efforts, werewolfism spread throughout the Democratic Party faster than Marilyn Monroe at the Kennedy Compound. (Speaking of Kennedys, Teddy wanted to pull Mary Jo Kopechne out of that pond, but you know how much cats hate water. He thought this was brilliant till someone pulled him aside and pointed out that werewolves are technically dogs not cats.) With half the nation’s politicians developing a rapidly worsening silver allergy, a bill was easily passed to eliminate silver from most common coinage.

Capitol vending machines saw a dramatic rise in profits. The “Great Society” (for werewolves) had begun.

The removal of silver from circulating coinage was completed in 1970, shortly after Richard Nixon remarked how hairy a Chinese negotiator’s palms were. With a wink and a sly smile he insinuated the negotiator must be an unmarried man. As the negotiator lunged for Nixon, canine teeth bared, Nixon gasped, “You may swing that way, but I certainly do not!” Moments later, he did. (This exchange can clearly be heard on tapes available at the Nixon Presidential Library in Yorba Linda, CA, though few recognize the exchange’s true significance.)

(As an aside, Nixon would have negotiated anything away to the Chinese just to get him near Tibet and his sweaty hands on that flower. He, however, betrayed his friends and allies by refusing to share. Haldeman, Dean, and others were especially incensed. Watergate soon followed. G. Gordon Liddy is not a werewolf. He’s just surly.)

With the Republican Party firmly in their hairy grasp, the removal of silver from American coinage was inevitable. (A small amount was still permitted to be minted “for collectors,” just to keep the public at large off the scent.) Subsequently, silver is far less common in American households today than at any other time in our history, leaving us virtually defenseless from lycanthropic attack.

And that’s how werewolves took over our government.

Posted: February 13th, 2010 under Entertainment, Humor, Movies, Politics, Satire.
Comments: none

The other day I wrote that John McCain had (inadvertently?) called President Bush “a fool or a fraud” in a recent campaign ad, when he said, “Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.”

I concluded that article by writing:

…can you deny George “I can hardly be bothered to show up for National Guard duty” Bush talks tough about war? If you do deny that you’re beyond hope. If you can’t deny it, which is he: fool, fraud, or both?

Wednesday, President Bush gave an interview to the Times of London expressing regret over his “tough” talk. “I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric,” he reportedly said. He further said that such remarks as “bring them on” and “dead or alive” could have wrongly “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace.”

You can, “you know,” imagine my blank, dumbfounded stare at that last one.

So, I only have two questions: Did Bush take McCain’s backhanded rebuke to heart? And how many wars do you get to start and still be considered “a man of peace?”

Posted: June 13th, 2008 under Current Events, Politics.
Comments: none

“No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.” — Henry Adams

 
After spending the last four years crawling up W’s backside to be declared his heir apparent (seems you don’t have to fool all the people all the time, just enough to get yourself nominated), John McCain has this to say about cowboy politics in one of his latest campaign ads:

“Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.”

Okay, he’s trying to position himself as being knowledgeable about war in a time of war, but who is this ad directed against? It’s not damaging Obama; Barack’s not swaggering around with the proverbial “big stick” or waxing rhapsodic about dodging bullets in Bosnia. Hillary “I’ll level Iran” Clinton isn’t a legit target. Is he trying to distance himself from the president? A little late for that. Even intimations of “God told me to make war!” won’t get him to reject that fundie endorsement.

“Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.”

Pretty strong denouncement from someone who wants to spend another 100 years in Iraq. “That was taken out of context!” Yeah, right. McCain might not be wearing boots, but he’s got a “Yee-ha!” in his heart.

About all I can imagine is he was looking in a mirror when he said this, a little tear drop in his eye, a lot of self-loathing in his gut. It’s obviously a cry of self denouncement. “I’m a fraud! I’m a fool! Don’t vote for me!”

If that’s the case, give the man what he wants. Vote Obama.

I’m being facetious. What I think he’s trying to get across is, “I know about war and how to make it, but I also know enough not to be foolhardy about it. I’m the guy we need right now, without any worries of starting wars everywhere.” But it is poorly phrased, and not well thought out. At its heart is the idea he won’t make “unnecessary” wars, but G.W. didn’t think any of his saber rattling or wars were unnecessary either.

Sorry, John, no amount of appeasing words to pacify skittish voters can wipe the stink of Iraq or George W. Bush off you.

And to those who might take exception to the title of this article (including possibly Sen. McCain himself, who apparently can’t see meanings in his words beyond his initial intent), can you deny George “I can hardly be bothered to show up for National Guard duty” Bush talks tough about war? If you do deny that you’re beyond hope. If you can’t deny it, which is he: fool, fraud, or both? Because…

 
“Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.”

Posted: June 10th, 2008 under Republicans.
Comments: none

This today from TMZ (by way of MomLogic.com) regarding Hillary Clinton and coconuts:

Apparently Chelsea wanted to try a coconut when she was 4-years-old, and Hill tried to grant her daughter’s wish. The Senator managed to find a coconut in Arkansas, but couldn’t crack it when she finally got it home. Even hubby Bill, a Rhodes Scholar, was at a loss. With 50 years of education between her and the former prez, Hillary confessed neither one of them could figure out how to break open that nut.

Note to Hill and Bill: It’s called a hammer. *

Let’s hope that 3 A.M. call won’t be about an imminent monkey attack. Hey, I’ve seen Planet of the Apes, thank you very much!

 
*You might want to hammer a nail into the coconut first to make a couple small holes and drain the milk before going all Lizzie Borden on its fuzzy hide.

Posted: May 5th, 2008 under Celebrities, Democrats, The Funny Side of Life.
Comments: 3

“The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” — Jesus (John 10:11)

What kind of “shepherd” is the wrong Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr.? Does going all over television this past weekend, “defending” himself and further spouting his bigoted lunacy at the expense of his good friend and congregant (i.e “sheep”) senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama (whom Wright dismissed as acting like a politician), qualify as “laying down his life for the sheep?” Resoundingly, no! Wright showed absolutely no concern for anyone but himself.

He didn’t come off like a man defending himself, but a shameless huckster with a personal agenda to push. In fact, he single handedly negated all the prior defenses of him, most especially that we’d only seen a handful of cherry-picked, out of context snippets which didn’t truly represent the man and his beliefs. Wright himself proved that those “out of context snippets” are exactly who the man is and what he believes. Wright’s major accomplishment this weekend was getting Obama to finally denounce him and run the other way as fast as he could.

Wright not only didn’t “lay down his life for the sheep,” he saw a wolf coming (that evil ol’ “MSM”), picked up the sheep (Obama), and threw it to the wolf to save his own hide. Then he drove into town and signed a deal for his new book, How I Fought Down The Evil, Bigoted Wolf!

What did Jesus have to say about that?

“The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.” (John 10:12-13 NIV)

Cares nothing for the sheep. Wright is the definition of an hireling. He’s an embarrassment to every community to which he belongs. He’s an embarrassment to Christians, he’s an embarrassment to his former congregation (especially the Obamas), and he’s an embarrassment to African-Americans (unless y’all think that talk about whitey giving you AIDS is helping you out). I hear Local 825 of the Union of Pompous Windbags is even considering revoking his membership.

For now, Hireling Wright is riding his 15 minutes of fame for all they’re worth. You can’t get rid of the guy, he keeps popping up like a bloated corpse in the Hudson River. And I’ll bet right about now that’s exactly what Obama wishes Wright was.

Posted: April 30th, 2008 under Current Events, Democrats.
Comments: 1