Valentine’s Day. It’s finally here.

As a person who’s been single most of my life, I’ve never been particularly bothered by Valentine’s Day. It is what it is, just another day.

I was never one to get worked up about what the day is supposed to be, supposed to mean, should be, what supposedly should happen on it.

Some people fall into a trap of reading messages into Valentine’s Day. They start thinking, “There’s something wrong with me if I’m not in a relationship.” Some people start believing, “If I’m not part of a couple, I’m a lesser being.”

I think that’s self-destructive foolishness. Other people can get upset and bothered when things aren’t the way they think they “should” be; I learned along ago that expectations are the road to disappointment and pain.

Nonetheless, this year’s run-up to Valentine’s has disturbed me.

Over the past couple years, I’ve had a growing disdain for all things romantic, in particular anything to do with weddings or marriage. I’ve grown to loath it, sneer at it, just plain hate it. I’m back to a place of bitterness and anger I haven’t visited in a very long time.

I positively hate watching TV and seeing loving couples, portrayals of loving marriage, new marriage, the lead up to marriage, the aftermath, the honeymoons and anniversaries and pregnancies — any of it. All of it. I hate it and the more I see it the more I hate it.

What is the approach to Valentine’s but one big portrayal of romantic bliss? “Look how happy they are, buy our product and you’ll be happy to.” Whether it’s a kiss beginning with Kay or the latest product from the sex-obsessed minds at K-Y, the propaganda is everywhere.

In normal times, when one of these messages stirs the cesspool in my heart where romance once lived, the sludge settles back to the bottom relatively quickly, leaving me the dirty-brown mire which has come to mark my existence. But at this time of year, the septic mélange is constantly stirred, the anger, bitterness, hate and all their negative kin constantly boil and churn like one big shit stew that never finishes cooking.

In my wildest imaginings, I never thought I could be this old and single, never thought I’d never know love…. And, frankly, at this point, I don’t think it’s worth knowing.

Valentine’s Day can neither come nor go soon enough. It’s a dark-chocolate, explosive-diarrhea smoothie I’m sick of having forced down my throat.

Drink up, young lovers.

And, oh yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day.

Posted: February 14th, 2010 under Blogging, Life Journals.
Comments: none

My first article after moving this blog from JoeUser to here proclaimed, “Welcome to the new blog, same as the old blog,” but it’s not the same blog, is it? The articles are shorter, more facetious, less often updated, and (almost counter-intuitively) far less personal.

I believe it all comes down to the difference between being out here on my own versus the community atmosphere of the hosted blog. As part of the community, I knew whatever I wrote would be read and commented on. While intellectually I know I get more page views here on my website, it lacks that feel and knowing. Here, I’m more likely to blog something shorter, which I’d have felt self-conscious about over there. By the same token, perhaps I put more effort into creating longer form works, expecting greater scrutiny over there.

The same goes for updating. A blog community almost guarantees a level of readership. Knowing absolutely that a readership was regularly looking in, compelled me to update more often, to put mental energy into looking for and creating article topics to keep up the flow that sustained the readership. Without that tangible feel of a dedicated readership, the pressure to maintain my performance is missing.

I call the less personal nature of this version of my blog counter-intuitive because I’d imagine that having a sense of being adrift, being out here alone, without people looking at me, would cause me to loosen up and say things I might not if I knew certain people were watching. That hasn’t been the case. I think perhaps the community gives a false feeling that you know who is looking, as if that blog weren’t as open to the whole world as this one is. You focus down onto the group you see and forget the greater mass that you don’t. Here, there is no-one to focus on, so the greater unknown surges to the forefront of perception and consequently brings inhibition. “Hmmm, I wonder just who might read this?” In the small community, you get the false sense you know who will be reading.

Along with the community inspired delusion you know who will be reading comes the delusion you know what they will be thinking. If you know your friends (and nemeses), you have a pretty good idea how they will react to certain things. You can fool yourself into mentally gauging their reactions, thinking you know how far you can go and when to pull back. With having a stand-alone blog, with absolutely no idea who your readers are or how they might react, comes the realization you don’t know what is out of line, no idea when someone might become hurt or outraged by what you write, no imagining you know how far is just far enough or way over the line.

What it all amounts to is, no, this isn’t the same blog. In some ways it is like starting from scratch. I have to feel my way around, and master this beastie all over again.

Posted: May 25th, 2008 under Blogging.
Comments: 5

More MySpace “friend” nonsense.

This afternoon, the following subject line graced my email summary:

MySpace Friend Request Trista would like to be added as one of your friends!

Hi Gene,

Trista would like to be added to your MySpace friends list.

Et cetera.

So, I logged into my MySpace account to check this “Trista” out. The control panel blinked happily “New Friend Request!” I clicked on it. The friend request page was blank. Nothing. “No friend requests pending.”

Huh. Now what was that about?

MySpace sends out an email when someone supposedly wants to be your friend, but nothing if they take it back. I think they should send a second email in such cases, something like:

MySpace Friend Request The biatch changed her mind

Hi Gene,

Um, forget we said anything.

Posted: April 16th, 2008 under Life Journals, The Funny Side of Life, Websites.
Comments: none

“Do you have to, do you have to,
Do you have to let it linger?”
– lyrics to “Linger,” by The Cranberries

 
I felt better a week ago. It’s into the third week and I’m still fighting this thing. I feel like reheated crap on a stick. Most of today I spent sleeping on and off. As I laid here thinking this afternoon, I couldn’t believe how awful I feel this far in. Most people get sick, they’re BLAH for a week and then they recover. With me, it lingers.

I first noticed this around age 13 when both my father and I got sick. We’d just switched to new health insurance — my first experience with big, bad HMOs — and, as a result, a new doctor. My father quickly recovered and returned to work. At first, I appeared to be on the same track, then suddenly I got worse. It seemed to me like I’d gotten sick again. I ended up being sick two weeks to his one.

That’s the first time I noticed it, but given my health difficulties up to then, I’m sure it wasn’t the first time it happened. After that, I watched it happen time and again.

That’s exactly how it went down this time. By the first Monday, less than a week in, I seemed pretty much over it. I still coughed up gunk, but gunk increasingly thinner and lighter in color. I thought I was out of the woods. All weekend, I’d marveled at the speed of my recovery. Then it went south. By Wednesday, I felt awful again. Here it’s almost another Wednesday later, and I’m no better.

 
Right now, I’m inclined to blame the infection. I’m prone to getting infections when sick, and I’m thinking that is a large contributor to the lingering.

I tried to get away without taking antibiotics. I do not like taking pills. In my 20’s, I frequently let my body fight infections off on its own. This time it’s not going away. I’ve given in and started the antibiotics, and I’m a little distressed and disappointed my body wasn’t able to get rid of this infection itself.

Posted: April 16th, 2008 under Life Journals.
Comments: none

So, the other day I wrote about getting my first MySpace friend, whom I decided to approve even though they were obviously a spammer. Today I went to my MySpace dashboard and noticed “she” was gone.

I originally wondered if spam-ella had put in the request hoping I would give a shout out to her web page the way I had to my first Twitter follower. (It’s possible spam-ella had somehow seen that, either through some blog watching service or Twitter itself.) When she (assuming it really was a she, a dubious assumption) disappeared, I wondered if she got miffed at me not only not giving her a shout out and a link, but calling her out as a probable spammer.

I didn’t have the address of spam-ella’s profile page to go look at. After a brief tiptoe through the browser history, though, I found it. Lo and behold, the MySpace equivalent of the blue screen of death — the user account has been deleted.

Looks like spam-ella’s spamming ways caught up to her. Which leaves me back with only old “default-Tom” as a “friend.” Sheesh. Next thing you know I’ll be paying for it. “Hey, baby, wanna make $5? Got MySpace? Wanna be my friend?”

Posted: April 15th, 2008 under Life Journals, Websites.
Comments: none